♥ Kamy.R

prologue

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Monday, December 28, 2009

@ 1:04 AM

I do not know why am I making things around me looks so bad.
I may or may not know the reason, wait. I am confused...

I once came across this page on a magazine which actually talks about how people of different characters stay together even though the other party's attitude and behaviour is really intolerable.
Maybe that is what is called Love.
But is it really love? Do any happiness derive from it?
Some might just say that, in love, you just give and do not expect anything in return. But if that is so, won't the 'giver' gets tired and worried one day that the 'receiver' don't even appreciate it at all? Won't he/she wants an answer at the end of the day?

I have yet to go through so much, therefore I do not know the answer.
Or rather, I am answering many other questions within me, and therefore do not wish to have more questions adding in.

It is simply unfair for me to agonise people around me with my own doubts as it is such a selfish behaviour, but somehow, all I never tend to think clearly before I act. All I know is to blame others and then apologise to gain forgiveness.
But what is the use when I would just repeat the same mistake again?
I guess the best way to refrain the person from getting targeted by me again is to leave the person in the 'Safety Zone', draw the line and move away from it.
Some might say that I am running away from reality and leave the person in more agony as he/she do not know what is wrong and had no chance to explain.

I really do not know what I am thinking about either.
Sometimes when I thought that I had stood in the shoes of the other party to think, actually, I am still in my own shoes, and the thoughts still concern most of me.
Call me selfish, stubborn, stupid, narrow-minded, whatever... Because I do not know myself either.

I am just someone who tend to speak all that is inside of me to anyone who appears to be ready to listen. And then tend to start making wild guesses of what is the person's perception about me.
This is what is going through my mind now as I am typing here.

Low self-esteem / Low confidence.
I need someone to point out to me.

I am such a stubborn person who do not listen to others,
sometimes even if I abide to it, i will tend to go back to my old self after awhile.
My action hurts people around me, I know that. And the only thing that I would do is just to avoid the situation.

What is the matter with me?
For this question, I may or may not know the answer, I am confused.

Probably being left alone without anyone around me to give me support is the best,
at least I would be able to be strong and stay focus.
Maybe to just make my stubborn thinkings seems right and pursue it,
like how everything was a few months back.
I strive and work hard to stay alive with minimal support from my family.
I was stronger back then, I am able to think better.
Why am I so weak now? Why are my thinkings so jumbled up now then?

All these questions just come into my mind.
Maybe I am just too free, and that is why I start to think about all these nonsensical stuffs.
So now, what should I do to that something which I had broken today?
To leave it as it is, to mend it and to leave it so that it would not be broken again, at least not by me, or to mend it and live with the flaws it has?

If it wasn't for me, it would still have been perfect and flawless.

Gosh, I guess I just don't deserve anything at all..

Should stop here now before it goes on and on,
I am really crappy and long-winded, for this, I know...